Life Since April

Well alot has changed since I last posted. Will came back to the mainland June 11, 2009. We moved to Alabama in July and he went to work at Ft. Benning Ga. I am still having a hard time finding us, but its getting better everyday. This journey has been a hard one and not one I want to repeat anytime soon. I still do not regret the surgery or the weightloss, my only regret is not coping with life like I should have. I still dont know who I am or what I want. Part of me wishes I would of just stayed content with the ho hum life of before, not wanting for more. Part of me still wants what I cant seem to find. Marraige of 14 years should be easy, but I have made it hard, I often wonder if I just want too much. I want to feel like I did in the beginning but am finding that its just not there, hasnt been for years, so do I just accept the contentment of being in my marraige like an old shoe?
Who knows, but for now I am working on finding that old spark, if it even exists anymore

Weightloss surgery and life afterwards

Well here I am almost 2 years out and life has changed so much. You know you can try and prepare yourself for life after weightloss but until you go through it you have no idea how much it can really change your life. I thought life would be grand once I got skinny. I have to say the opposite has happened. My marraige has taken a beating and I have hurt people I never want to hurt. I have blogged about my feelings involving Will and I and they havent really changed much, I dont know how to get back to the place I was 5-6 years ago. He keeps saying he wants Becky back, but I dont even know who that is. Who am I? What do I want? Will seems to think that my weightloss has made me a self absorbed person, and I guess maybe I am. That was hard for me to hear. I definately think I need some therapy, my only problem is I am scared of what I m going to find out. My sister made the comment to me the other day that I am turning into my mom when she and I were kids. Now that was also hard to hear. My sister and I went through alot with my Mom and step-dad, when they were 1st married. I guess all I can say is I have really fucked up everyones life with this. Life is definately not roses now, hopefully someday it will be again

Pictures from the airport

Here are pictures from Will left 2 weeks ago

It's Almost that time

Well it's a week away and then I fly to Texas. The kids and I are relocating. I am nervouse yet excited all at the same time. It's scarey starting all over. I havent heard from Will in almost a week and I am also a little nervous about that. I worry about him over in Iraq. Not to mention things between us have been a little strained and I am not sure if he is not calling because of that or because he is on missions. Anyways thats about it here

A few pictures and an update

Ok so Will's time is near for him to go back to Iraq and I am nearing my time to finally leave this island. Almost 5 years is plenty to be here. I will start off with my husbands visit home.
I decided that the day he arrived I wasn't going to tell the kids, I would just surprise them. So after a hectic day of not knowing if he had made his flight or not and dealing with the MP's for 4 hours, some guy tried to run my daughter over...another post in itself. I tell the kids I am going to the bar(I NEVER GO TO THE BAR) so that should of been a clue to the kids, anyways my kids were pissed at me they didnt want me to go out partying, anyways I leave for the airport to pick up Will. I had this whole fantasy of what it was going to be like. I don't know why I do this because I am always let down when I get to the actual pick up. Anyways I pick him up and he doesn't really say much, I think I may have gotten a you look nice comment. Anyways we get home and all the kids are in bed and he goes and kisses each one while they are asleep, Ellisha wakes up and wants to know if Mommy knows he is home..lol....should she call me on my cell to tell me...since I was at the bar ya know? LMAO.
Anyways he takes a shower and we get to sleep...after a little ;)
The next day he wakes the boys up and they want toknow if Mommy knows he is home and should they wake me up to tell me, I was already awake and downstairs..lmao.
Will and I are kind of like strangers and there was a lot of awkwardness(is that a word?) Over the next few days we talk but the chemistry just felt off. I tried explaining to him in detail what exactly I wanted so he wasnt clueless but it just didnt seem to be clicking. After about a week I think and a melt down on my part I think he finally realized what I was trying to get through to him, we have been working on it and so far so good.
Now for the moving part. There is just too much drama here on island with the neighbors, their husbands just left for another Iraq tour the 2nd in a year after they had been gone 15 months already and only home for 12 months. I cant and wont deal with other peoples drama. I have enough of my own. So I am moving back to Tx for the remainder of Will's deployment and hope he can get orders to Ft. Hood, if not we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I have a job with the base as a gate guard making 14 an hour if I want it...of course I want it duh...and I have a house already waiting its on 10 acres and 4 bedrooms 2 baths. I am excited to start my "new" life.
Now here are some "SEXY" photo for your viwing pleasure...I am so proud of these I think I look damn good for being a mom to 3 and a WLS person who has lost 110 pounds

So it's been 20 years

Since I have worn a bikini but guess what? I am wearing one this year and even with the extra skin I look pretty good. Wanna see?

It's Back

I haven't blogged in awhile and I will fill you in on why. The depression is back. About a month ago I ran into drama with my neighbors, long story I don't want to get into. Needless to say I was ignored and put through a lot of stress I didn't need. The only friend I had left the island and I was once again left with no one to confide in or share my thoughts with so I found myself "Down" in the dumps. Don't get me wrong I had Will to talk to but he doesn't always get to call home so there were several days where I had really bad thoughts. The main thing that kept me from acting on these are that I have 3 children who depend on me too much, and the fact that I would never put them through that kind of pain. Anyways I went to the doc, he put me back on anti depressants and pretty much told me I am resigned to a life with them. I hate taking them and have yet to feel like myself again. I am now having sleep issues on top of the depression. I can't sleep. I don't even take naps in the daytime so I have no idea what I will do, I hate sleeping pills as they make me groggy the next day.
Things with the neighbor have settled down although I will probably never be as close and open again with them but to keep peace in the valley its what has to be done.
Will comes home in roughly a week. I am excited yet very nervous. I know he loves me but really 10 months is a long time to be separated. I have changed a lot since he has left. I don't know how accepting he will be. We have been married almost 13 years. Thats a long time and we have been through a lot in all these years. Before he left he and I both weren't really into affection or sex. It was a take it or leave it situation. His was from depression, mine was from just not feeling sexy or liking what I saw when I looked in the mirror. We got along great but in reality our sex life sucked. Now I feel GREAT about my body and I want to recapture the romance and passion again. I just hope we can do that when he comes home on R&R. I want to feel like he thinks I am the hottest thing since Kool-aid, I want to feel like I did when we 1st started dating and I am not sure we can get that back. I don't know if too much time has passed or if the spark is still there, I guess we shall see when he comes home next weekend. Anyways thats about it for here. Just the latenight ramblings of whats in my head
BTW I am posting pictures of what I will be wearing when I meet him at the airport. Think he'll think I am sexy?